10 Reasons Squats Are A Terrible Exercise

Don't be an April fool. Step back from the rack and save your knees and spine from the dreaded squat!
Squats hurt your knees. We all know this to be true, especially if you squat anywhere near to paralell.
"Squats hurt your knees. We all know this to be true, especially if you squat anywhere near to parallel."

It is well documented that squats are a horrible exercise choice for anyone who actually cares about their body. They are reckless, dangerous, and an inefficient use of your time. You're better off doing basically anything else. Here are 10 reasons why this is so:

1
Squats Hurt Your Knees

We all know this to be true, especially if you squat anywhere near to parallel. All of those Olympic weightlifters, pro athletes, powerlifters and bodybuilders who squat all the way down are genetic outliers with divinely engineered knee joints. Plus, steroids.

2
Squats Require You to Place a Loaded Barbell on Top of
Your Spine!

It's practically in direct contact with the vertebra. This is just stupid.

It would be different if there were some kind of muscle group there, maybe trapezoidal in shape, that could form a cushion between the bar and your delicate spinal structure; but since that hasn't yet been discovered, this statement is 100 percent accurate.

3
You Don't Need Squats to Build Muscular, Strong Legs

Focusing on things like leg presses, leg extensions, and lunges is a far more effective way to build great legs. All those lifters who used squats were on steroids, and that's the only reason they got results. You need to train the small, assistance muscles in order to pull the skin closer to the muscle anyway.

4
The Back Squat is More of a Low-back Exercise than a Leg
Exercise Anyway

Just look at the name: back squat. Plus, the physics says so. If my math is correct—and according to my doctorate in Mathology from the Correspondence College of Nigeria, it is—the following formula illustrates my point perfectly: L2*Sq=(R3/3I)531.

I won't bore you by actually explaining what any of that means in terms that any normal person could actually understand. Suffice it to say back squats are terrible for your spine. Anyone who says differently is probably on steroids.

5
It Won't Help Your Performance in Sports

No sport outside of powerlifting, Olympic weightlifting, or CrossFit requires you to place a load on your back and lift it straight up. Therefore, squats are not a functional exercise. So why waste your time? It's not like the ability to exert force using a rigid, neutral trunk and activating the musculature of the hips, knees, and torso is ever going to come about in everyday life.

6
I Know this Dude Whose Friend Went to School with a
Navy SEAL Who Says Squats Suck

This point is axiomatic.

I know this dude whose friend went to school with a navy seal who says squats suck
"I know this dude whose friend went to school with a navy seal who says squats suck"

7
Heavy Squats, on Top of Destroying Your Knees and
Back, Will Make You Slow

Everyone knows that lifts that move slow make you slow. Therefore, heavy squats will hurt athletic performance.

8
Squatting Is Too Hard on the Central Nervous System

Squatting more than once per month will totally burn out your CNS and lead to overtraining. Nobody in the history of lifting has ever been successful by squatting more than once per week max. Nobody. I dare you to find one. The Bulgarians were all on steroids.

"Olde time strongmen didn't do squats. If they didn't do them, you don't need to do them."

9
The Olde Time Strongmen Didn't Do Squats

If they didn't do them, you don't need to do them. These dudes were jacked and strong, and we're all pussies nowadays because we don't do anything they used to do, including putting extra Es on of the ende of stuffe that doesn't neede it. And why didn't they squat? Because there were no steroids back then.

April Foolin'

I know some of you trolls out there are going to say that these are only nine reasons. First of all, remember my Mathology Doctorate. Second, you're probably all on steroids.

Therefore, nothing you have to say regarding training is evenly remotely applicable to us natty lifters. Happy April Fools' Day, fool!