Lifter bros and bro-ettes are notoriously hard to shop for. Or at least they were until now.
If you're tired of getting the same old too-tight shirts or too-loose jeans—seriously, how is it possible for one person to have both an XL chest and XS legs?—just give Granny this list of gifts designed with your special lifestyle in mind.
If none of these work, well, then it's another year of Bodybuilding.com gift cards all around. Bro ho ho!
1. Combo Bro Water Bottle/Pee Bottle
One thing that bros share with 3-year-olds—one of many things, depending on who you ask—is that while they're technically potty-trained, they still have their share of close calls. At some point, you've probably been there: white-knuckling the steering wheel, cursing everyone who ever told you "Water is anabolic, man."
Please, please wait until a red light to use this. And just to prevent any confusion, don't put lemon-lime Gatorade in the drinking side.
2. The Play-Broh Food Press
Put anything from pizza to cookies in the top, turn the crank, and out comes steamed broccoli and chicken breast. Remember, if you can fool yourself, then you've won.
3. Steering-Wheel Cable Handle Kit
If your commute is so long that you're afraid of going catabolic, ditch the wheel and get in some extra upper-body work with these instead. From the EZ-curl bar to a wide-grip lat pull-down, we've got all the attachments you could want.
Warning: the triceps rope is only good for long straightaways.
4. Tupperware to Keep Your Tupperware in
They'll laugh at first. But they'll use it. Coming next year: The Tupperware race-car bed.
5. Olympic Barbell Mop and Broom Set
Work dat core while polishing the floor. When you can see your abs reflected in the linoleum, you have our permission to stop.
6. Shaker-Bottle Canary
Wondering if that mysterious bottle from the back of your car is permanently befouled? Just slip this poor little critter in the top and remember the old bro saying:
If the birdie keels o'er, in the dumpster please throw 'er.
If the feathers turns green, toss 'er in the latrine.
But if birdie keeps chippin', it's still fine for sippin'
7. Stocking Stuffer: Edible Spray Tan
The less said, the better.
8. Really, Really Heavy Coffee Mug
Tiny kettlebell-shaped coffee mugs are… a thing. But like most kettlebells, their problem is that they're just too dang light. Drink what you've brewed from an actual pood! As a bonus, the more you drink, the lighter it gets. It's the perfect morning dropset.
9. Calf Plants
Considering calf implants? Don't rush to do something irreversible until you've fully explored all the ways you can hide your shame. These stylish ferns clip right on to your shoes, providing coverage all the way to the knee. With these and a pair of board shorts, you can keep skipping leg day forever!
10. Trunk Trainer
Need a quick chest pump before you head into the DMV or dentist's office? Just grab these cable cross handles, installed right into the frame of your hatchback or truck bed.
Coming for next Christmas: An actual tiny personal trainer who will live in your trunk. Please remember to feed him or her and provide a new clipboard quarterly.
11. Gym-Bag Dust Buster
Tired of wasting precious pre-workout and protein when you spill a little on the locker-room floor? About to get kicked out of your gym because of all the chalk you leave around the deadlift platform? Solve both problems with this handy mini-vac.
The best part: a shaker bottle screws right on to the back, so you can drink down whatever you suck up. If it tastes chalky, well, that's probably fiber or something.
12. Fake Weight Plates
No explanation needed.
13. Chicken Magnet
You've heard of chick magnets. Well...this isn't that, and unfortunately, you're not one either. But with a few more grams of poultry a day, you might be! This groundbreaking device will grab that chicken across the road, or in your bro's Tupperware, and put it right on your plate.
14. Gym-Bag Truffle Farm
Meet your new side business! It harnesses the natural stank of your gym clothes to create one of the world's most sought-after and valuable gourmet treats. Just beware of pigs rooting through your locker.
15. "No, You Can't Work In" Barbell Electro-Shock Kit
Just clip these jumper cables on to the bar, and whoever tries to bogart your bench or rack will receive a harmless but attention-getting 80-volt shock. Sure, you'll also inevitably zap yourself now and then, but it could be just the thing you need to "spark" new gains. Anyone? Hello?
16. Desktop Amino Fountain
Nothing says, "I've made it" like a gurgling font of neon-colored anabolism next to your keyboard.
17. "Instant Vascularity" Temporary Tattoo Sleeves
Not actually vascular? Slip these vein sleeves on and add an instant garden hose to your biceps!
18. Hydro-Iso Ultra Protein
30 grams of protein per 24-gram scoop. How did they do it?!
19. Half-Natty Lightbulbs
Show off your shredz with perfect lighting around the house! Eco-friendly, long-lasting LED bulbs. They work so well, you might never leave home again!
20. Bro Tape Measure
Arms not quite where you want them to be? Sure, you could measure in metric centimeters to make them sound bigger, but that requires a lot of math. Consider this tape, which uses the men-tric system, where 3/4 of an inch is an inch.