The Ultimate Guide To Gainz

Hello. When I take my shirt off, I'm very happy. Sexy, too. Don't you want to be happily sexily happy like me? Seriously, I can't begin to tell you how wonderful I am. And the reason is simple: gains. I've got them. You want them. More intro copy blah blah blah!

Ready? Let's do it!

Master the Danish press

You've heard of the French press—both the triceps exercise and the coffee pot. Now you can combine them and get a pump while you replenish your dangerously low icing reserves.

• Step 1: Buy a dozen Danishes or other tasty pastries.
• Step 2: Put a Danish in the French press.
• Step 3: Perform triceps push-downs to cram more Danishes in the French press, but so that it looks like there's only one. Keep going until you could kinda sorta convince someone—namely, yourself—that you're really only going to eat one Danish rather than a whole box of them. Keep pushing. Push, damn you!
• Step 4: Enjoy!

Kill your conditioning with the sled push-pull

After all those Danishes, you're going to feel pretty ashamed of yourself. And rightfully so, you disgusting subhuman weirdo.

So how you gonna pick the lock of your self-loathing? With cruel and unusual conditioning work! Sled pushes are all the rage these days. Sled pulls are all the rage these days. But nobody seems to want to do them both at the same time. Unimaginative weenies!

Perform the yard-sale squat

The research has proven unequivocally that squats are bad for you. Why? They're simply too easy.

So how can you make them harder, more dangerous, and hence better? With instability! And the yard sale squat offers more instability than a wine bar full of your drunken exes. All you need are a bunch of heavy dangly things and a bunch of bands and strings and crap.

And yes, of course this technique can be applied to the bench press, the hip thrust, the weighted pull-up, and the seated toe dorsiflexion. Enjoy!

Take glutamine for the glutes

After all those squats, your glutes will be barking. Seriously, was that you?

Anyway, everybody knows that the best thing for a sore backside is to back it up into a nice warm sitz bath of Blue Razberry Glutamine from Reckless Loner Labs, crank up the Enya, and pray your neighbor will call the authorities if they hear any screams.

Try the standing kettlebell glute clench

What's that? Tomorrow is glute day again? You can't be effing serious. Then again, you know what they say: Only the freaks earn their cheeks. Here' s how to perform this booty-activating masterpiece invented by wise strength coach Knot Nattington.

Submit to blood-occluded core training

Noted strength coach Dr. Rip Fleshington raves, "Blood flow restriction training is definitely a thing that a guy told me about in a bar after a cert. And as such, it deserves to be done even when it makes no sense."

Hmmm... Abs, anyone? Because after I tried this with neck training last week, I woke up in the... Wait, what was I talking about again?

As a bonus, your arms and legs will be starved of crucial oxygen and nutrients, killing off the weak muscle cells so that only the strong ones remain. If you can't feel anything, you're doing it right.

Have a hot cuppa crea-tea

Here's what those gains-stealing fat cats in Washington won't tell you: Taking your creatine like the label says isn't enough! The truth is that Sweet Lady Mono is only effective if you follow each and every random forum bro's suggestion to increase its absorption rate.

Two techniques that refuse to die—er, have stood the test of time— include dissolving it in hot water and adding baking soda to buffer stomach acid. So why not do both? The result is a hot, salty treat perfect for opening presents on a cold April Fool's Day morning.

Bodybuilding.com science editor Krissy Kendall pipes up, "For next-level gains, add a little honey to shuttle the nutrients into the muscle cells or...something...plus some bourbon to shuttle your good judgement out the door. Twist a lemon on top, and you've got a perfect hot crea-toddy!"

Cut calories with the foam roll

When you're tired of gaining and it comes time to cut, you'll need some low-calorie options to go along with your chicken breast-stuffed chicken breasts. Enter the foam roll! It's the only roll that can promise negative caloric expenditure in the form of massive digestive distress.

Ingredients

Bubble bath soap 2 tbsp

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Water 1 cup

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Directions

1. Add all ingredients to a mixing bowl and whip with an old-school egg beater.
2. Scoop onto a plate into the shape of a dinner roll.
3. Enjoy, preferably while seated on a toilet.

Do barbell squat depth jumps

Noted gym loiterer Busty Peckington, who knows a thing or two about getting hugs—er, getting huge—swears by power training to recruit ever-more muscular draftees into the terrifying world war against weakness.

His go-to move? The squat depth jump. Seriously, didn't you read the title of this section? It's right there. It says, "Do barbell squat depth jumps."

The move is so easy, you'd have to be a total noob not to do it. Simply jump off a high box, then immediately bounce off the ground to an even higher box. And did I mention that you'll have a pretty heavy barbell on your back? So yeah, alert whomever is a floor below you that you might be dropping in.

Use a weight approximately 8.75 percent above the highest amount you ever claimed to have squatted in the comments of a YouTube video. Trust me: Your muscular, nervous, reproductive, skeletal, and other systems will have no place to hide!

Get a swole-ass pet

If none of the other suggestions here work and you find yourself lonely, sore, alone, solitary, and unaccompanied, the answer is clearly to seek animal companionship. But not just any old animal will do! Search the globe for the most disturbing, unlovable critters ever imagined during a pre-workout-induced nightmare.

Like this one. Or this one. Seriously, can you believe this animal exists? Oh, that's nasty. Are you a bizarre muscular animal? Let us know in the comments!

OK, do you actually want to make some gains? Check out our “Complete Guide to Building Muscle” for workouts, recipes, training tips, and so much more.