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Special Flash Report: Big Boys Frustrated As Sticks Take Over Hardcore Gym!

Check out this lighthearted newspaper format special flash report about what the big boys in the gym are getting frustrated in their hardcore gyms!


The iron is moving, the stereo is blasting, and people are screaming. This evening is typical at the busiest gym in town, as hordes of hypertrophically challenged bodybuilders migrate into the work area.

People put on workout gloves, adjust the perma-belts (permanent back belts), as their comrades look on with glowing admiration.

The big boys of the gym, many of whom have called this gym home for years, say they are sick and tired of dealing with the "I'm going to workout in jeans and dress shoes" crowd that come to the gym six and seven nights per week.

"It's frustrating that we have to deal with this" say the big boys. This year, the gym has grown bigger and become rowdier, they say. On any given night, a group of 6 or 7 bodybuilders (weighing in at a whopping combined total of 800lbs), are in the gym.

"They can't work out in their parents basements anymore, so they come here" said an unnamed 315lb powerlifter, with an obvious look of frustration and contempt on his face. The powerlifter and his brothers of iron have seen people drinking soy protein "power shakes" disguised as Whey, and they suspect that some have even gone as far as to eat tofu.

With the loitering and littering, the blaring Kenny G. music and the $300 designer shoes, this group is not popular with the larger gym residents.

The big boys are annoyed with the noise and garbage. But, they are more concerned about the safety of such persons. Their attire and poor form while lifting is a cause for concern, they say. "Between 5 and 6pm the challenges begin" a spokesman for the bodybuilders said. "They'll grab a weight, do a quarter rep with sloppy form, and you'll hear'em screaming like their givin birth."

"Everyone is afraid for their safety - some of these people are going to get hurt" Johnson said, adding that he frequently sees rounded lower backs when doing deadlifts and squats, and sees necks shooting out during barbell rows. He says the necks shooting forward on barbell rows makes the lifters look like chickens pecking at grain on the ground.

The gym manager Mike Jefferies said he regularly asks people to leave the work area, but they usually just move onto a machine and baby-sit it for 45 minutes, preventing other patrons from its benefit and use.

Hu G. Latts, who lives on the corner of Hardcore lane and Mofo drive, 2 blocks from the gym, wont let his vein filled biceps and striated pecs go near the gym when the "stick brigade" is around. "I don't want my creatine filled muscles around them." Hu says, on the verge of tears, "When they are there I just can't feel the lactic acid, man. Its rough."

Latts hopes to figure out a solution to this problem at a bodybuilders summit next month, organized by Johnson.

The gym manager will be on hand with his Deca, and his Russian imitation D-bol, to listen to the concerns about the loitering, littering and poor form. "This has been a problem in the past." Mike Jefferies said. "We are certainly going to take a hardcore approach to this." Latts hopes heavier plates, attractive women, bodybuilding posters and educational materials from will solve the problem.

"Enough is enough" he said "we just want our Mecca to be respected." As for a comment from the "stick brigade?" When this reporter found them, they were too busy screaming during a quarter rep to offer comment.

Reporting for, this is Clayton South.


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