Lying To Myself: Discovering Health & Fitness...

If there is one thing I can say about myself, to those who do not know me, is that I am honest. I am far from phony or catty and I am not going to lie to you... We all have skeleton's in our closet. Mine could have killed me.
If there is one thing I can say about myself, to those who do not know me, is that I am honest. I am far from phony or catty and I am not going to lie to you... Maybe a little white between girlfriend's lie, but that's all in good heart. For those of you reading this that do know me, don't know the whole story and probably never will. We all have skeleton's in our closet. Mine could have killed me.

The Skeleton In The Closet

It started about 10 years ago. I was very depressed. I was dealing with many issues and I was carrying around way too many unresolved conflicts. I had an eating disorder. I am not sure I can pinpoint exactly what triggered it or why, but it took me about 2 years to admit I had a serious problem.

This world is really such a mess. I mean what kind of message are we sending? The average women is not a size 6, forget a 2 or 3. But, that is what we see on the covers of these beauty magazine's and on TV. What young girl isn't going to look at that and want to be just like it? I have always wanted to be a model and I had height working against me.

I was told by a very high profile agency in NY, that if I were to lose 5-10 pds, I could get work as a fashion model. This is before Fitness was a part of my life. The thing is, I was short, but if I were thinner it would make me look taller and the clothes would hang on me well. The clothing could be cut shorter, but not taken out. I weighed about 110-113 at the time and I am 5'5.

So, I think I took this to heart because I just wanted it so badly. I started taking laxatives twice maybe three times per day. I would get really excruciating stomach pains, go to the bathroom and it would be over. I immediately felt lighter, so I could eat whatever I wanted and get rid of it later. It finally came to the point that the pains were not even phasing me anymore and my stomach just started getting smaller and I wasn't as hungry as often.

When I did try to eat, I couldn't keep it down because I obviously had something wrong with me from taking all the diuretics. Not even my mother knew, no one knew, I think they just thought I was going through a weird thing and wanted to lose a little weight for whatever silly reason. I would go out to dinner and have to find an excuse for all my restroom trips or sometimes, why I wasn't eating at all. I used all the excuses in the book, oh I already ate, or I wasn't feeling well that day, anything not to eat because it would make me sick. I could no longer hold even the smallest amount of food down.

Coming To A Halt...

I went to a party the first summer that this had all began. I could hear all the whispers and shunned at all the comments on how skinny I was getting. To me I looked great. I can remember the day perfectly even what I was wearing. The skirt was a tie side, black and white striped with a matching crop top. I had to fold the skirt over twice to keep it from falling down. I couldn't understand why everyone thought I looked sick! I guess it's because I didn't know I was.

My lowest weight was about 90 pounds, maybe lighter, I stopped weighing myself and even stopped looking in the mirror.

I was disgusted with what I saw regardless of how thin I got. I hated the person on the inside as well as the person on the outside. At this point started suffering from migraine's. I couldn't go to the doctor's because I now knew I had a problem, I didn't have anyone I could talk to.

I asked my mother for some of her furenal's as she suffered from migraine's. I told her I couldn't afford the prescription or the doctor visit and she gave them to me. Another problem solved. After a while I completely lost sight of why this had all started in the first place, like I said earlier, I don't think it was one thing alone. It was a lot of things that weighed down on me and I couldn't rid myself of them, so I just buried them, went into denial and disguised it very well. I would even wear two pairs of jeans when I went out, so that I didn't have to hear it anymore. I just wanted it to go away, but it wasn't that easy.

Fixing The Problem

I got up to eating a bowl of rice a day, just to keep me going, I figured I needed to fix the problem on my own. No one was going to understand this, they would say I was being stupid, I couldn't take anymore putdown's, I was at my wit's end. I slowly did start gaining weight back on my own, but it took a very long time. I remember asking a bodybuilder friend of mine for advice on gaining weight and putting on some muscle. But, nothing I was doing was working and I just couldn't keep the weight on. You have to understand that I wasn't miraculously recovered, I don't think it ever end's completely.

"The best thing I ever did for myself was get involved in fitness."

It is eight years later. I do not take any form of diuretics to rid myself of food, nor do I starve myself. However, I suffer from stomach problems that I will have for the rest of my life. I cannot eat certain foods without getting sick to my stomach. I have internal incurrable problems that I have to deal with because of what I did to my body for two years. I was ripping myself apart from the inside out and I was in too much pain to open my eyes and stop it before it was too late.

The best thing I ever did for myself was get involved in fitness. Now when you look at the cover of a health and Fitness magazine, that is what we should be portraying to these young girls and boys, who are so naive and vulnerable. This is the message that we should BOLDLY be presenting to the world. An image of a body that is well fed and strong with healthy foods. A mind that is powerful and determined to succeed.


To this day, I still look in the mirror and critique myself, I could be this or that or what have you. But, I have accepted ME. I am strong, I work hard for my body. I respect myself and my body. I do not need to starve myself and lose my soul to a world that society has sadly molded.

If I can get the attention through my story, of even one person who may be in trouble, I hope that they will see through the dark shadow of their eating disorder and get help. It might start out as a simple diet to lose a little weight, but to someone who is feeling weak and lost, it can turn out to be so much more.

Fitness is now a life change for me as well as my family. And yes, I diet for my competitions which are well watched, through with the help of my nutritionist Ritch Finnegan. The difference is I actually EAT. I have just changed what I am taking into my body and fighting fat with fuel instead of fire. I am 120 pounds and 5'5. I am short and that is fine.

I am blessed with a very understanding and supportive husband and three beautiful children. I have resculpted my mind and my body. I am a much healthier, happier person. I no longer allow negativity in my life and hope to make a difference in my lifetime, the smallest difference would satisfy me.

Through my ups and my downs, my stories that will make people laugh or cry. I have been given a chance to share what I write and I want to put it to good use. Like my articles, dislike them, the choice is yours. But, for whomever would like to share their story, I am happy to listen and continue to share my life with all of you.

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