JOHNNY BRAVO SYNDROME
- The guy who pulls off his shirt and starts flexing in the mirror when he thinks you're not looking.
- The guy who pulls off his shirt and starts flexing in the mirror when he knows you're looking.
- The guy next to you, who is of the same size and age as you, who uses three times more weight than you - WITHOUT cheating!
- The huge guys with a bright red face, bitch tits pressing through his shirt, and back covered with oily acne, who gets totally enraged when anyone wonders whether his recent 30 lbs gains in muscle mass is partly caused by drugs.
- The big dude who gets a kick out of letting the whole weight stack come crashing down at 124 dB - every rep, every set, every day.
- The guy with a furry back who insists on standing right in front of you when you try to focus on your own form in the mirror.
- The same guy with the same furry back, who never wipes off the bench after use, leaving a puddle of sweat large enough for a duck to swim in. Half an hour later you find loose hairs from his back stuck with the dried-in sweat to the pad.
THE WISE KNOW ALL
- The old guy who sees no wrong in setting the treadmill to the very lowest setting, and staying on it for an hour and a half while others are in line.
- The old guy who's intimidated by the gym, and makes up for it by pretending to be an expert.
- The guy who gives loud and very, very bad training advice to his admiring girlfriend.
- The gym owner who purposefully lets the drinking fountains grow incredibly cruddy - but generously offers to remedy the problem by selling bottled water for $2 a quart.
- The moron who runs off to bug the staff every five minutes, because he has objections to the music they're playing.
- The spinning instructor who gets a kick out of primal screams in a highly acoustic cardio room.
- The gym owner who buys 50 low-quality stationary bikes, but only 2 ergonomically correct elliptical trainers, of which 1 is guaranteed to be out of order every Monday night.
GIRLS, GIRLS, GIRLS
- The teenage girl who spends 30 minutes putting on her makeup, then does two sets of bicep-curls with 1-pound dumbbells, does 5 minutes on the Stairmaster, and then goes home.
- The woman in a thong who likes doing stiff-legged deadlifts, just to see if she can make one of the guys drop a dumbbell on his foot.
- The diva that glares at everyone standing within 10 feet of him in front of the mirror - on a Monday night when people are stacked in three layers around him.
- The young couple that sees no wrong in very intimate making out between sets.
- The guy who uses terrible form, but gets personally insulted if the instructors try to correct him.
- The 6 foot 8 basketball-player who picks the stairmaster in front of you, effectively blocking the only TV that is not running either baby care product commercials or the Congo Bowling Championships.
- The wannabe Hulk who loads on 280 lbs on the barbell and start pounding away bicep curls by throwing his upper body back and forth - without ever bending the elbows.
- The powerlifter who would never, EVER unload a barbell, even if he got paid for it.
- The cheater who does bench presses by bouncing it off his chest like a springboard.
- The wannabe opera singer who screams constantly as he trains legs - from the first rep to the last.
BIKING UP THE WRONG TREE
- The slick dude with extremely tight spandex training shorts, who REALLY, REALLY wants there to be no confusion about his gender.
- The guy in spandex who thoughtlessly stands with his back against a mirror while thoroughly scratching the most intimate parts of his behind.
TOO COOL FOR SCHOOL
- The guy who wants to show off his expertise by walking his friends around the gym and loudly describe why the other people are morons for working out the way they do.
- The person who kicks your water bottle over, and pretends he doesn't notice.
- The dork that hogs up the machine while playing on his Gameboy between sets.
YUM ... I'LL HAVE THAT
- The locker-neighbor who either stores a Danish Goat-cheese in his locker, or really should consider getting new shoes.
- The pig that eats chocolate-covered candy bars between sets next to you - when you're on a diet.
- The dude with a cold, who sneezes loudly and wetly in his hand, and then grabs the barbell.