By: Matt Danielsson

Some people really have a knack for getting along with others. They always do and say the right things to make them respected and liked by others. Then there are those who do not subscribe to this philosophy. Instead, they make it a personal challenge to have everyone hate their guts.

After having spent numerous years in various gyms, I think I can help shine some light on their little-known rules of conduct. Consider this a gym cheat-sheet, if you like.

If your goal has always been to have people "accidentally" drop dumbbells on your foot, knock yourself out. Please. For the rest of you, make sure you don't accidentally succumb to any of the habits described here.

How To [NOT] Get Popular In The Gym

[ Do One Set & Drape Your Smelly Towel Over The Seat ]

Pick a popular machine during peak hours, do one set and drape your smelly towel over the seat. Then place your water bottle and preferably a pair of lifting straps next to it.

This will clearly show that the machine is in use while you spend 20 minutes doing something completely different. For the final touch, go completely ballistic if someone dared move your towel in your absence.

[ Ask A Stranger To Spot You While Squatting ]

This puts the other guy in a very awkward position, and you can make him totally freak out by letting your butt rub against his naughty parts.

[ Correct The Club Personal Trainer ]

When a Personal Trainer is helping a new client, immediately rush over and explain the RIGHT way to do each exercise. Helpful suggestions about using more weight and focus on free weights is sure to be appreciated by both the PT and the client.

But most important of all: don't give up until you've convinced the overweight 40 something woman that HIT-training is the only training that works.

[ Pee In The Shower ]

The guy whose foot is two inches from the drain won't mind, since he's on the OTHER side and therefore isn't affected at all.

[ When Someone Gets Injured, RUN Over & Say 'I Told You So!' ]

When someone gets injured, immediately run over there and open with: "Told you so!"

Give a detailed explanation on why he was an idiot for training the way he did, which allows him to ponder your wisdom on his way to the hospital.

[ Give Yourself The "Porn Shave" In The Locker Room ]

Hey, if shaving your face is socially acceptable, what's wrong with a little trim down there?

[ Use The Same Tank Top For 2 Weeks Straight ]

Science has conclusively proven that OD'ing on deodorant kills 100% of bacteria, so theoretically you could go through life with a single pair of durable socks, too!

[ Eat Foods That Make Your Fart For Pre-Workout Meals ]

Have a jumbo-sized bean burrito as your pre-workout meal. Who cares about a little extra methane - it's just us guys over by the squat-rack anyway, right?

[ NEVER Bring Your Own Shampoo ]

Never bring your own bottle of shampoo. Mooching off others each and every single day helps the ever-important male bonding.

Return the favor by complimenting them on "lookin' huge", but you may want to wait until you're out of the shower for that to avoid getting a kick in the nuts.

[ Leave Your Weights UN-RACKED, ALWAYS ]

Let others admire your strength by always leaving the plates on the machines and barbells. For extra bonus points, quickly load on a few extra plates after your last set and take your jolly sweet time stretching next to it, pretending you used more weight than you did.

[ Be The Gym Show Off ]

Lift your shirt to inspect your abs in the mirror at every given opportunity. If there are girls around, don't hesitate to do a most muscular and a frontal bicep pose as well.

Show off those mighty 16.5-inch guns, baby!

[ Hang Out At The Sports Bar (With People In Line) ]

Spend 5 minutes haggling with the guy in the sports bar about the amount of protein powder that should go into your drink.

It makes perfect sense to ask for an extra scoop of whey protein if you skip the blueberries and settle for only half a banana. If the dozen people behind you have a problem with it, THEY can pay for the extra scoop.

[ Wear Flip Flops In The Shower & Stomp Around ]

Stomp around in the shower without flip-flops. Then whip out a bottle of anti-fungus spray and carefully apply it to your feet to treat your stubborn athlete's foot.

The others, who just walked around barefoot in there too, will thank you for being considerate enough to take care of your fungus problem.

[ Agree To Spot Someone & Leave ]

Agree to spot someone doing heavy bench pressing. But hey, if he's still doing fine on his own by the sixth rep, there's no reason for you to hang around.

Besides, you needed to refill your water bottle anyway.

[ Make Loud Noises In The Bathroom & Then Joke About How Bad It Was ]

If you have a bad stomach and need to, uh, lighten the load, there is no reason to be discrete about it. Groan, grunt and make whatever loud noise you deem appropriate to go with the natural sound effects.

Those plastic half-inch stall walls have remarkable soundproofing qualities. Gain extra bonus points by cracking jokes about the smell as you emerge.

[ Sweat All Over The Equipment ]

The sole point of doing cardio is to sweat as much as possible. Wiping your face may interfere with your profuse sweating, so it's better to let it spray all over the machine.

When you're done, leave the machine as-is to inspire the next person. If he doesn't like it, your sweat will evaporate in minutes and won't leave a single trace anywhere.

[ Talk Crap About The Big Guys ]

Talk about the really big gym members behind their backs, asserting that they are on all kinds of juice. Then snicker at the small gym members for being feeble little dweebs. Then sneer at the fat guys for lacking discipline.

Then make fun of those you consider too young or too old, explaining that they really have no business in the gym anyway. Last but not least, there are the middle-of-the-road guys, who lack dedication to become really big. But hey, at least you're perfect, so there's hope!

Other Gym Articles To Check Out:

Don't Be THAT Guy: Gym Weirdos!
Things We Love To Hate In The Gym!
The Codes Of The Gym!
Gym Etiquette: The Do's And Don'ts In The Gym.

mattdanielsson@hotmail.com

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