A Word From The Editor: This interview is for visitor's who are 18 and over only due to the graphic nature of some of the discussions.
Not counting the pros, which represent maybe 0.1% of all bodybuilders worldwide, most bodybuilders are healthy, successful people who are doctors, businesspeople, mothers, fathers, preachers, etc. In fact, studies have shown that bodybuilders are usually more successful in life due to the lessons that bodybuilding teaches them, like being disciplined and staying healthy.
But just like every industry or subculture, bodybuilding has it's share of freaks. Boxing has Mike Tyson, music has Michael Jackson, pro football has rapists and drug dealers, the world of business has Enronâ€¦ and bodybuilding has Gregg Valentino. Does he represent what bodybuilding is about and are all bodybuilders like Gregg Valentino? Of course not. So why would we want to interview him? Well, like it or not, Gregg has the biggest arms the world has ever seen. Bodybuilding is about muscle. People want to learn about the freaks. In other words, enquiring minds want to know. Here is your chance... let the interview begin...
T. Man Bones: Gregg Valentino is popping up everywhere these days. Television talk shows, music videos, mainstream magazines. A lot of people in the bodybuilding community who don't really know Gregg hate what they think he represents. Bodybuilding.com has tracked down the man with the world's largest arms to get his story. Here he talks about synthol, transsexuals, cake shakes, drug dealing, one-legged women, his two favorite pro bodybuilders and his work with special needs children.
TB: Who are you and why should anyone care?
GV: Who the f**k am I? Who the f**k am I? Who the f**k are you talking to?! I'm nobody. I'm nobody special. I'm just a guy who speaks his mind. I'm just a guy who's been through shit that most people would never have been able to survive or comprehend.
TB: Why, when I open bodybuilding magazines, are you and your retarded looking arms staring back at me?
GV: I've been in and around bodybuilding for a long time. I'm no Johnny-come-lately. I was a promoter and competitor in the 70s and 80s. I've been at this way before Ronnie Coleman touched his first weight. That said, I'm not even a fan of the sport. I bodybuild for me and my own head. I got a small man complex., so if I can't grow taller, I'm gonna grow wider! I don't want to be a pro bodybuilder. What for? I'm bigger then them now and I get more ass then most of them!
TB: So why is your deformed bald-headed ass always at every friggin' show I go to?
GV: People like to talk shit about me, but they always want to know what I'm up to and what I'm saying. When Steve Blechman first hired me people said he was crazy, but he believed in me! I remember going to dinner with him and sitting in his car. He was telling me he wanted me to do a column and he didn't care what people thought. His heart told him I was the right man for the job. I am totally loyal to him and Muscular Development magazine.
Steve Blechman changed my life from that moment on. Say what you want about me, but my column is hot and I get a ton of emails each day. I got guys from prison writing to me, telling me I give them a little bit of peace in their f**ked up situation. I even had marines in Iraq write to me, telling me that during a mortar strike they were afraid, till one marine said, "Hey, if Valentino was here, what do you think he would be doing?" and then each marine started saying crazy shit and they all laughed while they were being bombed!
It took their mind off what was going on, yo. That's an honor to me. That's real shit. Steve Blechman is laughing now and I give my readers 6 to 8 pages of entertainment. Say what you want about me but f**k any cunt bag that says shit about Steve Blechman or me. Keep your barbs aimed at me!
TB: Yes, for some strange reason, your column is the first thing I turn to every month in that mag. Again, if you're such a nobody, why do I turn on the TV and I see you on Leno? I open the National Enquirer and you're there. What the hell is wrong with this country?
GV: Keep your eyes on FHM again, and the Steve Harvey show, too. I'm doing a Kid Rock video that was supposed to be done last October but got pushed off till this spring. I get this attention cause I'm a freak and I'm outrageous. It freaks people out that I'm this little guy with huge cannons. On top of that I like to think I'm a likeable guy. I'm friendly and I'll talk to people, yo. I talk a lot about shit that everyone does but not everyone will talk about, like shitting my pants or jerking off. Guys are all f**ked up. Just ask any girl; the difference with me is I talk about it.
TB: We'll get to your dysfunctional sex life in a minute. Tell me more about yourself.
GV: You know why these talk shows love me? Because I talk. They tell me the worst guests they get are the ones who stand there and don't talk. Besides, I'm a positive person. I've been in hell and I f**ked the devil in his ass and survived. I liked it too! It takes a lot to get me down or hurt me. People only see the freak with the big arms or the guy who shits his pant and jerks off while his girl farts in his face.
But there is a whole other side to me. I'm the real deal. I was in with bad mother f**kers! I seen shit and been through stuff that would make most people wanna kill themselves. That which does not kill you makes you stronger. I'm unbreakable! I have one weakness, my kids. That's it. F**k everything else. I've seen people killed in front of me.
There is a lot of bad shit in my past, but I'm at peace now. My demons died when I got arrested. My arrest sucked, but it saved my life in a round about way. My glass is always half full. I don't see the half empty side of things. I get knocked down, but I get up again cause, you can't keep me down!
TB: Very inspirational. Let's cut to the chase. Those arms don't look right.
GV: Let me explain something to you. I always, always, always had big arms. I had twenty-one inch arms before I even started to take steroids. Guys who know me will tell you that. I had 18-inch arms in high school when I was 16 years old at 145 pounds
TB: How tall are you?
GV: I'm 5' 6" on a good day.
TB: And you claim to have had 21-inch arms naturally?
GV: Yeah. Plus check out the shoulder width.
TB: How much synthol do you have in your body?
GV: I've never heard of that product.
TB: Don't bullshit us.
GV: Of course I've heard of it. At one point my arms were 27 and Â¼ inches. That was ice cold. Right now maybe they're 24 inches, 24 and a half the most. If my arms were all synthol, why wouldn't I just keep using synthol and keep them 27 inches all the time? By the way, I haven't done a cycle since I was arrested three years ago.
TB: Maybe because synthol and roids are too expensive for you?
GV: Let me tell you something my friend. I don't know what bodybuilding publications you're used to, but my boss Blechman takes care of me.
TB: So how the hell are you three years off shit now and you're still bigger then any pro in the arm area? So really, how much synthol is in those babies?
GV: Ironically Dave Palumbo just wrote in the new issue of Muscular Development about how synthol, like an MCT oil, only lasts a couple days in your body. There's no way it lasts five years in your body. That's absurd. So people who claim I have synthol in my body don't know what they're talking about.
TB: No, but really, how many bottles would I need to get my arms to look like yours?
GV: Listen, guys today would eat dog shit to get big. If Ronnie Coleman said he eats dog shit, guys would do it. If synthol was responsible for my arms, there would be other guys with 27 inch arms or bigger. You'd have twenty-seven inch arms, you punk. How big are your arms?
TB: Cold or warmed up?
TB: 15 and Â¼, baby. Read it and weep.
GV: You know what guy? I feel bad for you. I've f**ked fitness athletes with bigger arms than you. Come to think about it, make that figure athletes. What it boils down to is I have a great muscle-mind link. I trained naturally for 23 years before I did my first cycle. I know how to work my biceps and I know how to get them to respond. I wish I had that kind of link for my other bodyparts.
TB: Yeah, I hear your cock would really benefit.
GV: Dude, are you okay with me? I mean, you're f**king around with me, right?
TB: Yeah man. Just trying to make things interesting.
GV: Because, I mean, if you want to get sticky, we can get sticky. You know what I mean?
TB: No, no, man. I'm cool. Just fooling around. Listen, why do you always reveal your arms but nothing else?
GV: Because this is what I want you to see! I'm the Tom Platz of arms! Think about it. Obviously my arms are my thing and I want to attract people's attention to them. I don't want people to be thrown off by anything else. They're freaky, and I'm shoving them in your face. It's like Lee Haney once told me, (mimics Lee's southern drawl) "Arnold would always hit biceps shots.
When the judges asked Arnold to hit a lat spread he'd hit one fast and get back to a biceps shot." Lee also said, "Tom Platz is stupid. If I was Tom Platz, I would stand on stage and do nothing but pose my thighs." It boggles people's minds and keeps their focus on what you want them to see! Your strong point! Your trademark!
TB: You can say all you want that you've got no synthol in there, but aren't you worried that one day you might have to get your arms amputated?
GV: Then I'd be a real freak, right?
TB: Would you be willing to go to the doctor and get this verified?
GV: Sure, if the right amount of money is put up. I'm not talking a thousand dollars either. Let's put up some money and then I'll do it. I have a hole in my right arm from a steroid abscess. An emergency room doctor went to lance it and he cut half the muscle with his scalpel. Dr. Nadler said I have a lot of scar tissue in there and the only way to repair it is to sort of spackle it with a plug. He's going to open me up and plug the hole. Muscular Development is going to cover it all.
TB: What if he opens you up and oil spills out everywhere?
GV: That ain't going to happen. Nadler has felt my arms. He knows they're real. Yes, they got some scar tissue. But that's it. I don't care who believes me. Why don't people say shit about the pros who are on stage? I'm not competing. Why am I such a threat? Isn't the pro onstage using synthol, escline, blood doping, doing all kinds of shit, aren't they the ones people should be going after? You got all kinds of shit going on on that pro stage: guys got implants in their calves and pecs.
They get their abs etched out through fat suction, yet you fools talk shit about me! They are competing! I ain't. They are cheating. I'm just living my life, chasin' bush. I know pros who got pec lifts for Christ's sake. I got fat nuts in my ball sack.
TB: I don't really understand what your balls have to do with any of the rest of that, but... You've got big arms. How much can you curl?
Check out these pics of me at 14, 17, 23 and the last pics of me before I started using steroids.
GV: Nobody is going to believe this. But in my day, and this is way before I took steroids, I cheat curled three hundred. I used to train heavy. I've benched over five hundred. One time, on a decline bench, I dropped five hundred and fifty pounds. It bounced off my chest and rolled on my head. I actually had a huge welt and the whole side of my head was black and blue.
TB: On one of the Internet chat rooms they said you like to bang trannies.
GV: Let me be honest with you. I'm a freak. I'm not gay. I don't find men attractive. Men repulse me. I'd throw up on a man.
TB: You're into throwing up on people? Those are called Roman showers, right?
GV: Ball buster. When people think tranny they think Dustin Hoffman in Tootsie in a wig. That's a transvestite. A transsexual is a person who might have been born in a man's body, realized they were female inside and had the sexual reassignment surgery to allow them to fulfill their nature.
TB: Why didn't I learn about this in health class?
GV: They should have taught you because let me tell you something. When you go to a big club in New York City, when you go to the Sound Factory, there's all these hot women. You see all these bodybuilders hooking up with these hot women and you know what? Some of these hot women are transsexuals. They've got tits. They've got vag. They live as a woman. You can't even tell. And if that's the case, and she's blowing me, I'm gonna let her blow me. I'm not gonna check her DNA.
TB: I hear you're banging Lil' Kim.
GV: Yo, Little Kim is my friend. Let's leave it at that. Lil' Kim looks like Aaron Baker with a wig on her head. You know I'm only kiddin', Kim. I meet a lot of women in New York City, I hang out with a lot of celebrity women in NYC, and what really eats guys like you is that they dig me.
TB: Maybe if I was Eddie Murphy I'd be jealous. I hear he likes chicks with dicks.
GV: You know, maybe because I'm not homophobic or maybe because I don't feel the need to put down other people and their lifestyles people get the wrong idea about me. I never said I bang trannies. But I could introduce you to a couple if you're interested.
GV: I'm open about the tranny thing but people don't realize the amount of tail I get, and I'm talking 100% grade-A female. Trannies aren't my holy grail. I love a Latin pig. I really do love Latin women. I'm in strip clubs all the time checking them out. Do you have any idea how many porn stars I've nailed?
TB: Me too.
GV: You've nailed porn stars? I'm not talking about popping a porn in the VCR and jerking off. That doesn't count.
TB: Oh, well, then let me revise that. Hmm, how many porn stars have I banged? (thinks) None.
GV: That's what I thought. Let me tell you a story. Me and Tommy Tucker (Shown to right with me in 1983) - he's a childhood friend of mine - used to hang out at a place called the Harmony Burlesque. They had strippers and porn stars appearing there. I met a porn star and her name was Jeanie Silver. They used to call her Long Jean Silver, like the pirate Long John Silver? See, she only had one leg. One leg was a regular leg and the other leg was a prosthesis.
TB: Was she hot?
GV: Yeah, she was very hot. She actually looked a lot like Susanne Summers, blonde, which really isn't my type but back then I liked her. She used to pal around with another porno star named Sue Nero. Sue was kind of chubby. Tommy used to f**k around with Sue Nero and I used to f**k around with Jeanie. That was my first experience with a porno star. I also used to bang Nellie Gold. Her real name was Debbie Horowitz. Her uncle used to own Plato's Retreat.
TB: Wait, go back to Long Jean Silver. When you guys were in bed would she have the leg on or off?
GV: She'd have it off. I didn't give a f**k. I used to kiss it and caress it. She always wanted to stick it up my can but I never let her. She did a photo spread once where she f**ked a guy with her stump. I was afraid of it back then.
TB: Enquiring minds want to know: what's going on with you and Kim Klein?
GV: I have a love affair with her ass pipe. I want to lick it like a carvel cone. I love her. She's a sweetheart. There's really nothing going on between us. I'm good friends with her and her husband, Rob Klein.
TB: If you were gay, who would you bang first: Tom Prince or Bob Cicherillo?
GV: I haven't, but I think I would. I think Cicherillo is such a bitch. He's said some nasty things about me to a mutual friend. He doesn't like me. He judges me on how I look and the rumors he hears about me. I guess he doesn't like me. I would definitely f**k Tom Prince because I know he would like that. He would enjoy it. Who am I to deprive him of a little bit of pleasure?
TB: So you were a drug dealer once. What'd you do, move a couple bottles of test once or twice?
GV: (laughs) A couple bottles. I moved units, son. I was definitely a drug dealer. I wasn't small potatoes. I controlled a lot of things. That part of my life is gone now. I'm a different person since then, but I gotta tell you something â€¦ I've been through a lot of shit.
TB: What's the craziest thing you've seen as a drug dealer?
GV: I've seen people shot. The craziest thing that happened to me is I've almost been executed a couple of times.
TB: Holy shit. What happened?
GV: This guy my partner and I dealt with fronted us about forty thousand dollars worth of shit. To make a long story short another guy that me and my partner trusted robbed us. Actually robbed my partner's house when my partner wasn't home.
TB: Did these people have names?
GV: Yeah, a-hole, but look, that ain't the issue here. Anyway, me and my partner go and meet the guy who loaned us the stuff and the guy flipped out. He drove us to this parking lot near Yankee Stadium and forced us out of the car at gunpoint. This guy was a nut, a real loose cannon, a made-to-do man if you know what I mean. Before you know it, I'm on my knees with my hands behind my head in a parking lot near Yankee Stadium. He was going to kill us.
TB: What happened?
GV: Another wise guy was there and bailed us out. He vouched for us and assumed our debt. This kind of appeased our supplier and he let us walk away from there. Within a week we had recouped from street sales and paid back the wise guy who saved our asses.
TB: Sounds like you were going to go out like a punk. Why didn't you try and fight?
GV: Look, I'm on probation. You want to hear crazy stories of me f**king people upâ€¦ I gotta watch what I say. Wait for the book. But back to your question: there was no fighting. If you had made a wrong move, if you had twitched, that sick f**k would have shot ya. It's not about going out with a blaze of glory.
People watch Scarface and say, "Look at that!" But let me tell you something, when they caught Pablo Escobar he was hiding. There's a big difference between Hollywood and real life. You don't try and stand there and duke it out with someone who has a gun and that gun is trained on you and the guy holding it is waiting for an excuse to drop a couple on you. That wasn't the last time I had a gun pointed at me either.
TB: Give me another example.
GV: This story involves Julissa.
TB: Julissa is your late girlfriend?
GV: Yeah. The love of my life.
TB: The one Tom Prince and others talk shit about?
GV: Talking shit is exactly right because they didn't know shit about Julissa. Let me tell you, that girl had heart! Listen to this. Julissa and I drive into Washington Heights in New York City. For people who don't know, that's a real shitty neighborhood during the time we're talking here, the late 90s. A friend of a friend was hooking me up with a couple of guys for a drug deal. We get to this three family type of house and Julissa and I are arguing.
She wants to go in with me. I told her to stay in the car. Wait the f**k outside. I'm just getting a box of shit. I got a lot of money on me. She doesn't want to wait outside and is giving me a hard time and finally I'm just like, "Sit in the f**king car." Now she knows I keep an extra cannon in the glove compartment.
I go into the house and it's a first floor apartment. I've got my jacket on and I've got a piece in my pocket and I'm holding the piece in my pocket because I don't know what I'm walking into here. There's a guy in the apartment and he welcomes me and is all smiley and shit and I should have thought something was up when I saw there was only one guy. But I was familiar with the neighborhood and like I said, these guys were recommended to me by a friend of a friend.
So I let my guard down and I take my hand out of my pocket and as soon as that happens this f**king guy bursts out of a closet with a shotgun leveled at my chest. I'm like, "Oh, shit." The other guy, the smiley motherf**ker, he draws a pistol, frisks me, takes my pistol and my money.
TB: How much did you have on you?
GV: About ten large.
GV: Yeah. The guy with the pistol is talking to the guy with the shotgun in Spanish and I don't understand a word they're saying. The guy with the pistol, in English, tells me to get on my f**king knees. "Look, just take the money and..." I try and reason with him but he gives a nod to the guy with the shotgun and that motherf**ker wacks the shotgun off my head. He clipped me three times. Three times it took that motherf**ker to drive me down onto my knees. But down I go, kneeling there with f**king blood all over my head, face and shoulders. I look like a real mess and I realize that whatever the f**k is coming next, it ain't going to be good.
TB: They were going to kill you.
GV: Maybe. Maybe they just wanted to rob me. They didn't know me. I didn't know what the f**k was going to happen. My head was spinning, my blood was all over the place. They're talking to each other and laughing, menacing me with their guns. The smiley guy counts the f**king money I had on me and he looked happy. They start laughing, the both of them, but the stupid motherf**kers never thought to post a look out. So what happens next...
GV: Bingo. All of a sudden, you just hear this loud female Spanish voice screaming in rage. The two have their backs to the voice and they freeze. They look at each other. I know its Julissa and I know they're considering turning and trying to blast her. But she didn't wait. Bang! Julissa shot the guy with the pistol right in the ass. He screamed and fell, dropping his pistol. The guy with the shotgun looked like he was going to shit his pants. Julissa came up behind him and put her gun - the hand cannon I kept in the glove compartment - up against the back of the guy's head. He drops the shotgun.
I get up and Julissa is torn between running to me and covering the two a-holes. I told her I'm okay. "Gregg, look at yourself. Oh Christ," and she starts going off in Spanish, upset about me and pissed at the two a-holes. I take the guns and the money from the pistol guy, and I tell Julissa we gotta go. "Gregg," she says, "Do you know what these guys were going to do to you?" See, Julissa had been waiting outside the apartment in the hall and she heard this shit going down.
TB: Julissa was a latina?
GV: At that point I just wanted to get out of there. So I'm like, "Julissa, let's go," but she don't want to go! She wants to stay and f**k with these guys. Julissa orders the guy on the floor back to his feet and he staggers up. Her shot hit him in the ass and took most of one buttock off. It was nasty.
TB: How could you tell? Didn't he have pants on?
GV: Well, what happened is Julissa ordered them both in Spanish to drop their pants and they did. Neither one of the motherf**kers were wearing drawers either. You should have seen that guy's ass. He's lucky the bullet didn't blow out his pelvis. It looked like it tore out the side of his ass. So Julissa starts taunting them in Spanish and English: "Look at you! Look at you! Typical Dominicans, big dicks and no f**king brains." I walked up to the guy who hit me in the head and he's scared. You could tell he thought he was going to die.
I patted him on the face a couple of times, "What's the matter? You okay?" and then - wham! - I hit him with everything I had right in his face. Down he goes. "Get up." He gets up. Wham! Again, he goes down. This time he doesn't want to get up. "He doesn't want to get up, Julissa," I say. She screams something in Spanish and the dude wobbles, but he gets up. Wham! One more time, and this time he's either unconscious or he's faking it because the motherf**ker wasn't stirring. So Julissa and I leave that place, and as we get in the car I'm just glad to be alive and I'm so glad I had my baby to watch my back.
TB: Weren't you guys afraid they'd come after you in the street? You know, as soon as you left the apartment? That they'd grab guns and scrambled after you?
GV: Nah. We took their pants.
TB: If that's a true story, that is f**king insane.
GV: True? Look man, you have no idea. And there's more to it than that. I gave you the shortened version. You're gonna have to wait for the book. I can't emphasize enough that I was a different person back then. That's why I'm so thankful to the people who have made the change possible. Like Blechman. Truth be told, being arrested changed my life. I might have wound up dead. Still, I kind of want to watch what I say.
TB: What friggin book do you keep talking about?
GV: There's a guy working with me. A professional writer in NYC. We're doing a book.
TB: About your arms?
GV: No. About my past life. About what I went through.
TB: About bodybuilding?
GV: Bodybuilding plays a part, but it's not a book for bodybuilders per se. When I say I was a different person back then, you need to understand that I was what some might call an evil man. I was involved in some really bad shit. You'll have to read about it after the lawyers vet it and we make sure it isn't going to land me in any hot water with anyone.
TB: Is it going to be better than Flex Wheeler's book?
GV: What's the matter with Flex's book?
TB: Well, he never talks about being high jacked by the Ninjas on his way to the Olympia.
GV: Trust me. It's all in my book.
TB: Okay, so you were a big bad drug dealer and a bodybuilder. Are a lot of bodybuilders involved in the drug trade?
GV: Oh yeah. Oh yeah. The drug and sex trade. There ain't a pro bodybuilder on this planet that isn't going to convince me he never sold roids. There's no money in the sport. Anytime a guy can get shit, people flock to him. When I was selling roids, I had pros calling me up all the time. I'll tell you who I used to deal with. [Gregg names several top male and female pros who, for obvious reasons, can't be named here].
TB: Holy shit.
GV: Yeah man. And you know what? These guys would hound me for shit. And they all wanted it for next to nothing. Nobody ever wanted to pay for anything. Pro bodybuilders are the worst to deal with because they think, since they're pro, they don't have to pay for shit. I'd say to 'em, f**k you, you makin' coins, you should pay more!
TB: They sell ass too? Did you sell your ass?
GV: Hell no! But let me tell you something, pick up any gay magazine here in New York and look in the back. You'll find bodybuilders. Some you probably know. Look, some guys will hand you three hundred dollars for letting them look at you nude posing, or if you bend over, spread your cheeks and just show them your a-hole. These guys beat off, blow their loads, and that's it: you're three to five hundred dollars ahead of the game, depending on how good a pro you are.
Bodybuilders don't want to work and it's an easy way to make money. How many of them hold down full time jobs? Think about it. And don't give me no personal training bullshit either. F**k that shit. You say that shit to cover the money you're putting in your account.
TB: You got busted by the cops for dealing?
GV: Yes I did. On April 17, 2001. To be honest with you, it was one of the best things that ever happened to me. I was on a downward spiral. I had lost touch with reality. To give you an idea, I had a gym which I lost because I didn't pay attention to it because of all the money I was bringing in from the roids. I had a wife and family that I lost. The bust was the turning point in my life that gave me a second chance.
TB: You were able to walk away from the drug scene, but some guys say you rolled away from jail.
GV: That's bullshit. Again, guys talking about things they don't know. It's true I didn't get any time in prison, besides the time I spent there when I was first arrested and they wouldn't give me bail. But I got five years probation. Look, the guys I was in with are still in operation. If I had talked they wouldn't be. If I had talked people would be behind bars because of me.
TB: You say you didn't rat, but you didn't do any time behind bars. How's that possible?
GV: The guys who do the time are the guys who get caught dealing not just roids, but the harder drugs: cocaine, K, X. Look, you have pros and amateurs now who have been busted, are out on probation and still compete.
TB: You also have pros and amateurs who were busted, ratted and are competing.
GV: You do, but I'm not one of them. I only moved roids. I never ratted on nobody. The guys I was in with are still at it today.
TB: Didn't you ever think of getting a real job? You know, like firefighter, businessman, teacher?
GV: I've had real jobs.
TB: Like what? Besides owning gyms?
GV: Well, for instance, and this is something a lot of people don't know, I used to drive a school bus.
TB: They let you near children?
GV: They were retarded children.
TB: Like that makes it better.
GV: This is one of Bob Bonham's favorite stories. These kids were great. One time I was driving them home and I had to take a shit.
TB: Oh boy, here we goâ€¦
GV: Back then I was bulking up. I didn't know about roids so I'd eat a lot of food. I created something I called a cake shake.
TB: A cake shake?
GV: A cake shake. I'd take heavy cream and put it in an industrial blender. I'd throw sugar, protein powder and three to five whole eggs in there. On top of that I'd take a big f**king huge layered slice of Country Epicure - a three layer chocolate cake - and I'd mix that in a blender and I'd drink it. That's about six thousand calories in that one shake alone.
GV: You think I'm kidding ya? I was throwing bananas in there, yogurt. One time I threw a f**king whole cooked chicken in it. So think about the nuclear explosions that were going on inside me from that shit.
TB: You're crazy!
GV: But let me show you how good that worked: in one month I gained a pound a day. I gained thirty pounds in one month.
TB: Yeah, but you must have been a fat bastard.
GV: I was more like a fat f**k. Anyway, these things would tear my stomach up. One day I downed one of those before I had to drive my school bus. And as I was sitting there driving it hit me and I knew I had to go or I would shit the seat of the bus. But thank God I drove retarded kids. They were special handicapped kids. They weren't aware of what was going on; they would just sit there with their heads bobbing back and forth.
So this one time I pulled the bus over on the side of the road. I ran in the back of the bus and I put newspaper on the floor. I kept watching them as I blasted away onto the newspaper. They had no idea what was going on. They were just nodding their heads back and forth. I took the paper, threw it out the window, and went back to driving the kids home.
TB: Couldn't you have just found a rest stop or something?
GV: I never would have made it. Look, let me tell you something. I have a ten second window. Either I shit or that's it. A year ago I was on vacation with my two children. We were at a smorgasbord when a shit bubble hit me. I told my kids to wait for me outside the bathroom in the parking lot. It was a race: what was going to happen? Either I was going to shit my pants or I was going to make it to the bowl.
So I get into a stall, and I'm wiggling back and forth doing a shit dance trying to get my pants off. I kind of bent over and it happened-I blasted! But I totally missed the toilet and I shit all over the feet of the guy in the stall next to me. He was an old man. I heard him scream, "Ahhhh!" and he punched the side of the stall. Boom! I said, "Jesus Christ, I'm sorry." It was like mud, diarrhea pudding. He jumped up out of the booth and was cursing me, "You son of a bitch!".
When I went outside my kids were like, "Dad, did you do something? A guy came running out of the bathroom cursing with no shoes or socks on." He had thrown his shoes and socks in the garbage. I told my son, Paul, "You're not going to believe it, I shit all over that guy's feet."
TB: So you're friends with the owner of the East Coast Mecca, Strong and Shapely's Bob Bonham?
GV: Bob is my boy! Bob showed up when I was arrested with seventy-five grand cash to try and bail me out.
TB: Do you and Bob ever run a train on one of those pigs you guys meet in the clubs? You know, a little DP acton?
GV: You mean like one in the pink and one in the stink?
GV: Hey, I love Bob, but not in that way. When two guys are rubbing balls together, that's too gay for me, even if they're rubbing balls in some babe. Why do you ask me that? Why don't you ask Chick and Tom that?
TB: Just checking. Did Marky Mark, Mike Tyson and Twisted Sister all really kick your ass?
GV: I never had a fight with Mike Tyson. We are friends now. Bonham and I had a beef with Tyson's friends and when the brawl broke out at the market diner Tyson ended it real quick. Dude, I ain't stupid. Tyson would have made me his bitch. But we settled everything and Tyson bought Bonham and I dinner. Iron Mike is a good guy, he just has issues.
The twisted sister thing was a long, long time ago. It was over an old girlfriend of mine. She cheated on me with Mark The Animal, Twisted Sister's bass player. When I jumped him to fight him, I had him on the ground punching his face in, and then Dee Synder jumped on me and went crazy! It was a melee and I ultimately got an ass beating.
TB: What's the deal with Marky Mark?
GV: My partner Paul and I were at this nightclub. Marky Mark and his crew were there too. Marky Mark starts making all these comments about me and Paul, "juice heads," "Mr. Steroid," all that shit. So we had an argument - what the f**k? Am I supposed to be intimidated by some white boy who had a group called the Funky Bunch? We had an argument and fists flew. I took his ass to the floor and his posse were all over me. Paul jumps in but Marky Mark's boys are all over us. Still, I got in a few good shots.
TB: On Marky Mark?
GV: I like to think so. It was dark and chaotic and I was just throwing fists. I hit some people. I also took a lot of shots. The bouncers came over and threw me and Paul out. Marky Mark was a punk. When I was being pulled away from him, he was trying to kick me in the head. They weren't even good kicks. No Jet Li kicks, but kicks like my little daughter would throw. Scratch that. My daughter kicks better. She's tough.
TB: I heard Howard Stern tried to set up a rematch.
GV: Marky Mark was visiting the Howard Stern show. I had been on Howard's show already. Howard had his people call me and put me on hold. The idea was that I would talk to Marky Mark when he was in the studio. Challenge him to a fight on the radio in front of millions of listeners. Marky Mark showed up late and could only spend like twenty minutes on the show, and he spent that time promoting The Italian Job. I waited on hold but I never got my chance. Maybe one day.
TB: Well, this interview has been nothing but enlightening and eye opening. You seem like a guy with a million stories, all of them more outrageous than the next.
GV: I am and they are. Read my column. Keep an eye open for the book. As much as some people in the bodybuilding community are going to hate to hear this, I ain't going anywhere! The next wave of Gregg Valentino insanity hasn't even started to crest! Watch for me!
(Click to enlarge and for date of picture.)
Contact Gregg Valentino through his web site, www.greggvalentino.net. Contact T. Bones at email@example.com.
T. Man Bones
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